My Pregnancy

I wrote this about my pregnancy and where I was at before I gave birth. I wanted to remember how I felt and essentially, who I was in those moments. It often takes me days to go over things and proof them and this story ends just as I left it right before I went into labor….

May 21, 2012

My birthing day is coming rapidly so I figure it is the perfect time to write. I know that once our son is born, I will be different, in a slight, yet magnificent way and maybe I won’t remember what it felt like to be… the now me. The now me is a blank slate about my birthing experience, where the future me will be a full story. That is the difference I mean- the person I am now has not experienced birth, aside from when I was born on my mother’s birthing day. Which is the funny thing about a birth day, we are celebrating a day that shaped our lives and yet we rarely remember that it shaped our mother’s too.

Briefly, I must rant so that I may come full circle;) I sit here finding myself shocked that at this stage in my pregnancy there are still those who wish to impose their unsolicited and unprovoked fear mechanisms onto my family. The other night, someone decided that it would be appropriate to sit at the bar while Ricky was working and relay to him that she “heard about what we are doing and wants to have a chat with me.” (The snarky know-it-all tone could not possibly be appropriately relayed, so just assume it is in the most annoyingly superior and drunk tone). As Ricky defends us, and me, there proceeds to be a lot of eye rolling and other women joining in to display their expertise on the horror of birth and thus my stupidity. Ricky handled himself as best as he could when going up against cowardly attackers (to attack a man right before his wife is about to give birth, knowing that he cannot defend an experience he will never have, is cowardly and doing so while I am not present is shameful). He also proceeds to point out, that talking to me may not go well but she can feel free to after I have given birth. I may not have experience, but knowing that I would never come at someone from such an ultimately negative place tells me all I need to know about our lack of similarities in reality.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that the majority of people feel this way. I understand their opinion and truly respect that they have THEIR experience to show for it, but I will say this-THEY ARE NOT ME and their reality is not mine. The point is, that no matter how my birthing experience goes, it will be Ricky’s, our baby’s and mine. Even if it does not go how I envision it, I am still not going in filled with horror. What I don’t get is why anyone would want to put his or her horror on us. To save us?? From what? How could anyone who has ever met me, even once, not assume that I have become as informed as any one person could be about birth since the second I was positive I was pregnant? I get being helpful and the want to inform, but just for the record, putting a smirk on your face and saying something like “Oh you’ll see,” isn’t helpful, it’s shitty.

Those same people that think I am so naïve forget the most important thing- while I agree that I am naïve, I believe my naivety is my gift.

So, where am I and how did I get from the “typical” and “normal” birth plan to here? I cannot imagine knowing what birth really feels like, but for the rest of it I have put in the work, educated myself and spent the last months training for this. Yes, training. Could I expect to run a marathon without training? Of course not, so how can I expect to have the calm birth that I want without spending time everyday preparing; through my breathing and relaxation exercises, as well as keeping my body healthy. This isn’t something I just knew to do. I sought out the best birthing team for myself and for my growing family. Our midwives and doula kick ass! They are capable, trustworthy and (here’s the kicker) SUPPORTIVE. Not only am I encouraged to ask whatever questions I have, they are really willing to take time to answer all of them. Seriously, they just freaking rock.

I feel lucky for the path that led me here because it started with fear and that fear led me to seek peace. In the beginning, I did what pregnant women do: I went to the OB I got all the tests and sonograms, I sat in a backless gown and waited… and waited. Then, I met with a doctor who rushed around and left. I did this a few times and I was able to get questions answered, reluctantly, but it was enough to know that this was not going in a good direction for me. When I was barely 18 weeks pregnant and I started hearing words like induction, epidural, and what the doctor would “let” me do in response to my questions, I freaked. I already cried every time I had a doctor’s appointment, and I literally did not want to physically give birth. I was terrified! I felt like I had lost a race that I hadn’t even started. I had to do something, this felt wrong in every way that it could and I hate to fail at anything. I began searching and I found my way to Amazing Births and Beyond. I met with Lorie (our now doula) and everything changed! No seriously, its like a birthing parade broke out inside of me with rainbows and sunshine and all that jazz. I sat down and spoke with this amazing woman and for the first time, I felt like I could do this. I felt like I really could give birth! No, I am not an idiot; I know that in one way or another, our baby would eventually physically come out. It was the spiritual, emotional, and mental part that I had been worried about. I am not saying that I went home and everything has been confidence and roses since. What I am saying is that Lorie gave me my first glimpse of what I wanted, a beautiful and empowering birth, and showed me how I could get there. For this, I will be forever grateful.

Since then, I have concentrated on increasing that confidence little by little until it just stopped leaving. Everything from there is a bit of a whirlwind: we met with Miriam first and made sure that we could have her as our midwife and learned what it means to have a midwife; we took a 5 week Hypnobirthing course and did all our homework; we met and bonded with our other midwives Colleen and Allison; and we have grown (I have done most of the growing) with our birth team throughout this journey.

Importantly, we have taken every step to enjoy this process throughout a hectic move and outside imposed drama. While my hormones have gotten the best of me from time to time, I must say that pregnancy is an amusing time. Everything has become a bit funny. I think it has to in order to appreciate the miracle while being a bit roly-poly. Sometimes my transition from laughing to crying is a little abrupt which, in turn, becomes funny again but it is a real laughter in a way that is new and beautiful. Ricky and I laugh with each other and at each other (although he has to be a bit more careful when laughing at me lol). In preparing for the baby and the many things he will need, Ricky and I have learned the art of garage sale-ing and really have a lot of fun doing it. I have been able to embrace pregnancy, in part because I am lucky and I am blessed. I have an amazing husband who has taken interest in this process and decided to dive in head first. He loves me and knows that I am not one to settle if things don’t feel right. I need solutions and he helped me find them. He has helped me make decisions that will shape ours and our baby’s life, all while learning that pregnant life is not exactly predictable. I have a magnificent mother who has really embraced and supported my journey and continues to be here for me daily. The other aspect that has shaped this pregnancy has been CHOICE. We have CHOSEN to make the effort to learn about pregnancy, throughout history and the world, and then decided the best course of action for us. I refuse to be belittled because I put so much effort into this. We are talking about a human life and experiencing the most majestic gift one can be given- so excuse me if I discount the unwanted opinion of someone who believes its ok to spend weeks researching a new tv or camera, but thinks its silly to learn about circumcision or cord clamping. The point is, I am not attacking anyone else’s decisions and I do not attempt to share my choices, unless asked, or unless its on Facebook but that’s a whole different story...

To be completely honest, I respect all women and all birth so much that the very process leaves me in awe. No matter what your birth experience was, or what circumstances you had, you are a champ! Just because I believe in what I am doing does not mean that I do not believe in what you have done or will do. I truly believe that our reality is our choice and I just ask that the next time you scoff at someone’s choice, consider how qualified you are (or are NOT) to pass that judgment. I know that once people make up their mind, it does not matter what I say. What if… what if my birth is amazing, perfect, and painless? (“OMG did she just say PAINLESS!? How dare she suggest something so preposterous!!”) Oh yea, that is totally what most of you will think and oh yea I said it. So what! You want my goal? There it is and remember, I am not saying feeling-less, just painless. What if it is- most people wouldn’t believe me anyway- they could see it with their own eyes and still refuse to believe it. But that’s not my concern and never will be. Those who know me know that I will tell you truthfully, one way or another, and while I hate to fail, I am ok with admitting if I was wrong. Our baby is coming into this world and we are going into this journey together…