Your baby sleeps where?!?

"... I’ve learned a lot about the gangs. I’ve learned to recognize the Cribs’ distinctive attire (if I see a pair of orange Crocs coming my way, I just cross the street). I’ve come to know the Beds’ brutal hazing rituals (which they refer to as “Bikram yoga”). I’ve learned each gang’s colorful parenting patois." -Peter Birkenhead in "Cribs vs. Beds..."

nap time at its finest

Peter Birkenhead's article, "Cribs vs. Beds: Parenthood's all-out war" gives a hilarious overview of the 'where will baby sleep' and 'what does that say about my parenting' issue. There really is no correct answer to where your baby sleeps and I don't mean that in a whatever-is-right-for-you kind of way. I mean, that no matter how you answer the question regarding where your baby counts little baby sheep, you will be wrong. Although, I maintain that in this country we live in a crib-sleeping based society and therefore far less judgement is placed on those who put their baby in a crib than on those who decide to co-sleep. But to be fair, there is clearly judgement on both sides of the bed rails.
If you tell someone you co-sleep they automatically assume you to be the most reckless breed of tree-hugger. You are nutty granola made with unsalted raw nuts and no m&ms! Cribs (those who have crib-sleeping infants) aren't sure if you hate your child by wanting to turn them into a clingy nightmare or are just stupid and codependant. In general, I do find the Cribs lot to be of the self-soothing persuasion and many of them are still waiting for Ricky and I to let JR 'cry it out.' Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock. Keep waiting people. It is 'casually' and constantly brought up to us is like people truly fear for this INFANT who is tended to each time he cries. Then there are the Beds (co-sleepers) who find crib-sleeping to be barbaric in general; cribs are cold, empty, lonely and NOTHING like a womb. Crib-sleeping is seen as heartless as it is dangerous. This danger is perceived due to the high rate of SIDS in the U.S., which is comparatively dominated by cribs used for sleeping infants. Also, the crib is seen as a sign of a selfish parent and a future needy/unruly child that is filled with insecurity. So, you see, there is no right answer and both sides think you are ruining your child. With what you may know about me, you have probably already decided that I am a co-sleeper and you aren't wrong... entirely. I think, in our heads and hearts, both Ricky and I are Beds, but in reality we have been battling this issue from the minute JR stopped sleeping in the womb. The benefits of co-sleeping (when done correctly) are really what resonate with me: more peaceful sleeping/less infant startling, more stable physiology, decrease in SIDS risk, and long-term emotional health benefits. These are just a few of the benefits according to Dr. Sears-I will write a more detailed post about co-sleeping in the future because there is a huge benefit to breastfeeding mothers as well. The main preventing factors for us right now are our bed size and the great big 'WHAT IF...' You can fill in all sorts of fears that go along with having the baby in a bed and I don't think we are alone in our biggest fear probably relating to risks of suffocation (even though I am clearly aware of the baby while we are sleeping, its more of a half sleep). For now, I will explain where we stand and share the full-blown war-on-sleep that we are facing in our home...

As if hearing everyone constantly comment on how our little buddha baby is the size of a 6 month old, at almost 3 months, doesn't already send my worrying (and googling) into overdrive, he has now outgrown his sleeper. The first week he slept in a co-sleeper mini bed that sat on our bed, but it took up a huge portion of our queen sized bed and made for horrible sleeping for us. We wanted him in the bed with us but we were both just too timid. He was so small and I was constantly checking and re-checking on him that it was our nerves that kept us from just laying him next to us fearing we would never fall asleep, ever again. Then, he slept in a bassinet up against the bed for a couple weeks, which went well but he started having pretty bad acid reflux and this made for horrible sleeping for him and us. Finally, we settled on a snuggily rocker that rests him at an incline (to help reduce acid reflux) and that is what he has been sleeping in for the last couple months. Unfortunately, it has become apparent that the fit is now a little too tight. I double checked to see if he could go back to the bassinet but no luck- he has surpassed the weight limit. Yes he does weigh more than 15lbs at 12 weeks but he is exclusively breastfed so lets save that whole discussion for another time. The rocker he has been sleeping in since 3-4 weeks old is still usable by weight recommendations but so snug that it's become a source of discomfort for him by about 4am when he would really start trying to move around. We reluctantly took the next logical step: Ricky moved the crib out of the nursery and put it into our room. End of story, no big deal, case closed... right? Not a chance, not in this family.

Buddhababy's first evening on " the outside," resting in his co-sleeper

Living large in his rocker

During my pregnancy we didn't give much thought to co-sleeping and I think we planned to use a crib once he outgrew his bassinet because our bed is small and cramped between Ricky, myself and our dog, Bodhi. But since JR's birth, something inside us changed and the crib became a symbol of all that is wrong and unnatural in the world. I don't think either of us has since even considered that this dreaded piece of furniture would be used until it was converted into a toddler bed. But, lo and behold this frightening beast is now our room like a huge espresso colored elephant that taunts us day and night.

As Ricky reassembled the crib in our room, I paced around with JR safely in his K'Tan acting as though I was straightening up for some new 'guest' in our sleeping domain. Once finished, him and JR relaxed while I went in to set up the crib essentials. I tested the motion monitor (which I still don't actually trust to monitor his breathing), put on the sheet and decided/obsessed about whether to use the bumpers. It just so happens that JPMA released a statement saying they are pro-bumper when used properly and this created an internal war of should I or shouldn't I in my head. Anyhow, I am still being teased for the sight Ricky witnessed when he came to check on me. Apparently, I was quite flustered moving the bumper all around the crib, checking and rechecking the mattress, and quoted mumbling something to the effect of, "so help me, if this thing harms our son..." But I finally got everything arranged and when it was time for bed, we followed our normal routine: JR was swaddled, nursed and rocked to sleep. Ricky placed him in bed (now the crib) and that was that...right?... ha ha ha

testing things out

In a million years I would not have predicted that DADDY would lose his damn mind and turn into a mommy sized worry-wart! Well, maybe I could have guessed he would be nervous but the extent of it- no way. He is used to getting up in the night because our system works with him putting the baby in my arms to nurse and putting him back down to sleep. The difference is that the baby is usually in his rocker that sits just below level with our bed, the top of his head even with my head and he's within arm's reach. This normally allows me to be a worry-wart and sleep simultaneously; I am close enough to hear him breathe, touch him just to make sure and on occasion (like nightly) I will keep my hand on the rocker. What I now realize is that by me satisfying my constant worry, Ricky didn't need to worry about worrying and could relax knowing that I was all over it. The crib has disturbed this delicate balance and has daddy up when he hears the baby, crawling over me when he doesn't hear him, and getting back up when he thinks he may have heard him but isn't sure. Amazingly for me, I was able to lay there because Ricky kept getting up and relieving my need to. That was just night one.

The crib lasted one entirely sleep-deprived, nerve-wracked, fight-over-who-had-less-sleep week and what a week! JR had horrible gassy stomach issues the whole time, which caused him to make awful noises while he slept. He was colicky as hell and so were we. Every night was some new challenge that prevented adequate sleep, but Saturday night was the last straw....the movement monitor went off and for anyone who doesn't know, this is to signal you when your baby stops breathing. Holy hell! We were out of bed in a flash and diving toward the crib. In retrospect, this was probably quite a funny sight with us leaping out of bed, me throwing the monitor off the nightstand to stop the noise, the lamp going with it as a casualty of war, Ricky flying across the bed, arms flailing everywhere, Bodhi jumping to escape being trampled and just complete chaos. All the while, our little angel was fine and barely even roused by the commotion. He had scooted his swaddled little ass down off of the monitor pad thus causing the alarm to go off. In that split second, parenting reality was solidified into my being and now stares me in the face- I am no longer the childless person I have been for all these years and this new person, this parent, is a cuckoo bird! Needless to say, I waited until I regained my composure- we were huffing and puffing all dramatically- and then got JR out of the crib and placed him on my chest to sleep for the rest of the night. (This form of sleeping, sitting up and being encircled by Boppy pillows works, but be warned, its not made for comfort.) As we settled back into bed, Ricky simply stated, "We are getting that Arms Reach co-sleeper tomorrow," and that's exactly what we did. Not that it has been much easier....

 putting together the co-sleeper

First night in the co-sleeper as a bassinet didn't go well and it turned into the last night he wore a swaddle."Miracle Blanket" is no more

Our bed has a ledge on it which makes it impossible to set the co-sleeper up as anything but a bassinet. This is fine because I just push it up against the bed but the sides are pretty high and I have to drape my arm over them. It is a large bed which is great except that JR had taken to hurdling himself around in it. The first night of the co-sleeper was the last night of the swaddle. When Ricky got up to see what all the noise was about, JR had hulked out of his swaddle and has since refused to be put back in it. As inconvenient as it is to lose the swaddle, that moment was worth it as we both broke out in hysterics at our beautiful little boy half in and half out of his 'Miracle Blanket' smiling up at us oblivious of the turmoil we were facing.

For now, the crib has been put back in its proper place in the nursery where it serves as a very pretty piece of furniture adept at cutely holding stuffed animals and hiding stuff not in use. We are adjusting to putting JR to sleep (or rather trying to keep him asleep) without a swaddle in the hopes that it is safer than him hurdling his swaddled self all over the co-sleeper. As our personal war between our bed and crib continues I think I will read James McKenna's book on co-sleeping and I must have faith that we will find our own familial sleeping balance.

Here is a link to the article I quoted at the beginning of this post, It's a great article written by a daddy and perfect for a laugh: http://www.salon.com/2010/07/02/cribs_v_beds_parenting_wars/ )

Getting a little big for his rocker

his favorite sleeping spot

banished back to the nursery

Is it 'crunchy' to wear your baby?

"Okay, Captain. Look, the dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular. They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone they're cool. But they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped!" -Channing Tatum, 21 Jump Street


I have been wondering lately if babywearing is considered "crunchy." I remember when I first moved back to Florida from San Diego, I would get all offended when someone would call me "granola;" it happened a lot. At the time, I felt that it's kinda like calling someone a hippie and I don't wear patchouli oil. Plus, I shave like I have some personal vendetta against body hair. Not that I have any problem with hippies, I am quite fond of them I just don't see myself as one. But its been years now and I have grown quite comfortable with this once dreaded accusation. People expect me to be a little "crunchy." But to me, I am just being me and I think of it as more being in tune with myself and the world around me than anything. What people don't expect (and I must say it catches me off guard at times) is how "crunchy" my husband has grown to be. Although, I think there is a large bridge between punk rock and "crunchy" and it is on this bridge that my husband treads. He still has tattoos everywhere, listens to loud music (when JR is not around) and lives in band t-shirts, only you can't tell because there is a baby carrier covering the shirt now. Whether it's the Moby Wrap or the Ergo (our Baby K'Tan is too small for him) he loves babywearing and I love him all the more for it. Last night, he saw a woman in a ring sling at Whole Foods and walked us right up to her to find out the "scoop" and I guarantee that we will have our very own Sweet Pea Ring Sling very soon (she makes one for the beach/water!).



Anyway, what makes me wonder about where babywearing fits into parenting/life style is that the frequency of which we see it, changes depending on our environment. The openly breastfeeding community seems to be big babywearers along with the people who were in our Hypnobirthing class and that general natural birthing crowd. Places like Whole Foods tend to have babywearers in plain sight but other than that I find myself to be the only one not donning a stroller in public. Truthfully, our stroller gets the most use when Nonna is helping me on our errands because he is a bit too chunky for my tiny Italian mother to be strapping him on. Even then, I am usually wearing him. Regardless of where it falls on the spectrum of parenting, there are so many advantages to babywearing that I thought I should share a few for those unfamiliar with just how awesome it is.

Babywearing is naturally comforting for both parent and baby. This is especially true for mothers and babies. You just spent 9 months together and to think that after all that bonding it is natural to just set baby down is crazy! Besides milk, the thing that babies need and want most is physical contact and this provides that while giving mom full mobility and the freedom to accomplish daily tasks.

Babies are happier and more confident. People often say that a quiet baby is a "good" baby. Aside from the ridiculous notion that a crying baby is a "bad" baby, we all want our babies to be as happy as they can be. Babies who are a part of their mother's day and see things from their viewpoint are often quite content. Instead of creating a "clingy" baby, it helps babies to feel more confident because mothers are more in tune with their baby's needs and respond very quickly. Besides that, wearing your baby gives him/her a sense of closeness even when you are focusing on other tasks. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding states, "plenty of loving contact does not "spoil" a baby or make him more demanding, but instead helps him feel more comfortable and happy in his new world."

It is a great way for dad to bond with a breastfeeding baby. As my husband and I have both learned, it can be a little hard for dad in the first couple months of life to find his place in the baby's routine. It can be hard when all baby does is breastfeed and sleep. Even though it is not for us, I can see why couples do pump so that dad can feed baby and feel that closeness. But this is another way for dad to spend quality time with baby and help solidify that bond (unless baby is hungry and then there is a raging bull attached to dad's chest which is hilarious-for a minute).

Babywearing meets babies' physical needs. According to the LLL (La Leche League), "Babies need and enjoy motion. In the womb, they become accustomed to the sound of mother's heart pumping blood and to the feeling of being confined in a small space. The experience of being in the womb also teaches them to enjoy the rhythm of their mother’s movements. After birth, the experience of being held close to a parent’s body helps them recall the peace they felt in the womb." Also, this movement helps to dispel gas which, any parent of a colicky baby can tell you, is such an important thing. Babywearing helps babies vestibular system: the inner ear controlling balance, as well as, helps babies breathe and grow better.

Another point, that I do not as often see on lists but is a favorite of mine, is that it prevents strangers (for the most part) from touching your little one. People LOVE to touch babies and I do not love random people touching me, let alone our child. Wearing the baby tends to stop this behavior because people have to get uncomfortably close to you in order to touch your baby and most will not do this. I love this for many reasons, but a good one is that is restricts the amount of germs people can gob onto your baby. I am not a germ-a-phobe but I do prefer JR to be restricted in who is germafying him at this stage.

So, "crunchy" or not I think that the advantages to wearing your baby are outstanding in comparison with keeping him or her "in a bucket" all the time. Remember that infants CANNOT be spoiled by too much contact. Even if you held your baby for 16 hours a day, it would still be less than what they are accustomed to in the womb. You are not training them for the "real world" at this age, instead with a lack of contact you may be sending a message of insecurity and inconsistency. Stay tuned for my reviews on the different carriers we use, and of course plenty of pictures. Until then I will tell you that so far our overall favorite is our Organic Ergo carrier with infant insert. We like each one for different reasons but this one gets the most use to date.

Such a proud daddy

Moby



Looking at me from in the K'Tan



Baby K'Tan

 

Strolling in the Ergo



the BIG latch on 2012

Mamatography photo from the BIG latch on

On Augueszt 4th, in celebration of world breastfeeding week, Ricky and I attended our first 'BIG Latch On' event and had such a blast (in spite of the chaos and the HEAT). South Florida has a heat that one just never gets used to, its like walking around in a steaming oven. Not to mention that we had our friends Heatherly and Philip from San Diego here, where it is perfect and 70 degrees every single day. Regardless, it is so funny how timing for things just works out. Heatherly and Philip just happen to come into town in time for this event, she just happens to be pregnant and glowing and they couldn't be happier to join us in gathering with a lot of moms to expose a lot of boobs! Its funny because this is the first time since living in SD that I felt a little like the old me. The west-coast me. When I lived in San Diego it was so common to go and get involved doing things bigger than one's self-involved life and a little off the wall in the best of ways. There are many reasons I miss SD but I think that is one of them. I miss having a niche of people that are like-minded and want something more not only for themselves but those around them. I miss doing silly things for betterment and being inspired. Also, having Heatherly and her husband with us made me realize part of why we hold 'Amazing Births and Beyond' so near and dear to our hearts. They are this hub for all things loving and empowering in the world of parenting. Lorie and all the people there are awesome people who are turning their vision into reality and we love being a part of it. They are kinda like our niche.

Buddha baby and I were right up front to the right

almost time!

Great turnout of mommies

So, just for information sake, let me explain what the 'BIG Latch On' is. According to their website, it is:

"Groups of breastfeeding women coming together at registered locations around the world to all latch on their child at a set time. All the breastfeeding women and children are latched on for one minute at the set time and are counted by the witnesses. The numbers are added up and we see if we can beat previous Big Latch On records or maybe even the world record!


The key to the Big Latch On's success is allowing communities to hold their Big Latch On events, empowering them to create an event that relates to the people of their community, while still taking part in a worldwide event."

The point of it all:

Support for communities to identify and grow opportunities to provide ongoing breastfeeding support and promotion.
Raise awareness of breastfeeding support and knowledge available in communities.
Help communities positively support breastfeeding in public places.
Make breastfeeding a normal part of the day-to-day life at a local community level.
Increase support for women who breastfeed - women are supported by their partners, family and the breastfeeding knowledge that is embedded in their communities.
Communitiies have the resources to advocate for coordinated appropriate and accessible breastfeeding support services.

Each event is personalized by those who host it and the common theme is that all the mamas have their nurslings latch on at 10:30am local time and nurse for one minute. When we saw that Lorie was hosting this event we knew (well I knew and Ricky was defintely ready to support me) that it was something we wanted to go to. While most of the people in my life are supportive, I don't have many breastfeeding mamas around and I figured that Lorie would attract my kind of crowd. It totally was. There was baby-wearing galore and oh the Ergos! One mama heard me cooing over her green performance Ergo and stopped to tell me how awesome it is-definitely our kind of crowd.

This is the Performance Ergo-Love it!

Once we walked up it was pretty close to 10:30 so we got set up in the tent and buddha baby was more than ready to do his part! The hostesses and vendors passed out water and gelato smoothie shots (so yummy) and gave away prizes. We all latched and were accounted for and the rest is history.

Such a proud Daddy

He was ready for booby time he didn't care about the clock!

Latch On!



Ricky, Heatherly and Philip



Mamas <3



The husbands being all silly



They had booby cookies!!



Mealtime at its finest (Breastfeeding pics)

Since I plan to focus a lot on my adventures in breastfeeding, and I absolutely LOVE breastfeeding photography, I will periodically post some of my favorite pics of me and Buddha baby at meal time.

He already established his favorite sleeping spot at 3 days old

I love that look

Bodhi is always close by

Bodhi so close he hogs the photo

Birthing Story

My Birthing Day

[First posted on June 7th...It has taken me two weeks but here it is, our birthing story. I promised myself that I would share my story with anyone who wanted to hear that birthing can be an amazing journey. I promised that I would be open about my experience so that others could know that all of our stories matter and that women giving birth are important however they choose to birth. I am proud of my family and myself because we were all in it together and we accomplished what we set out to do... ]

When I got out of bed Wednesday morning I knew something was different. The obvious being that I started having surges around 2am, but since they were a good distance apart, I was able to comfortably go on sleeping until we got up for Ricky to go to work. I told him what I was feeling but not to worry since everyone said a first time mother could have surges for a couple days before active labor begins. Besides, I hadn’t even had my “show” yet. I decided to take the car for the day so I could run errands and get some things we were going to need for our birth and my comfort. When I took Ricky to work I began to casually note what time each surge would happen just so I could see if they were consistent. Around 10am they were mostly 10 minutes apart, but sometimes they were 12-15. I don’t know how long they were because I was driving and just using the clock in the car. I continued to run errands throughout the day and I let my mother know what was going on just so she was in the loop because she was going to be at our house during the birth. By the time I went to pick up Ricky, (around 330pm) my surges were much closer together. It takes me 15 to 20 minutes to get to his work and I had about 5 surges on the way. He looked at me and knew; still I refused to accept how close we were.

Here is where I was in my head: I was not about to be that pregnant girl who got everyone all hyped up and then wasn’t ready. Also, I knew that Miriam was out of town, Colleen was already at a birth and Lorie had Hypnobirthing class on Wednesdays- this was not ideal timing. It sounds funny to think about it now but that is where my head was. Miriam, Colleen, Allie and Lorie had all told me that early labor is a time to act normal and get rest (had I realized I was on my way to having a baby I probably would’ve napped but who knows). When I say I refused to be “that girl” it is because I sometimes freeze when there is a lot of attention focused on me. Besides, if I was on my way to having our son, I did not want to disturb the process because I was feeling the expectations of everyone who was now waiting on my next move so they could plan their night. On the other hand, this is one of the beautiful things about having a birth team, there is a group of loving support there when you are ready and I did not want to waste everyone’s time.

On the way home, Ricky started to have the look of a man on a mission. He was silently going over everything he needed to do and I know this because he was chewing on the inside of his cheek nonstop and that is what he does when he is focused and/or stressed. Also, he would spit out sentences about cutting the grass, laundry and straightening the back room. I know that he also wanted to time my surges because they were fairly close together. While others would probably not have realized that I was in labor and having surges, Ricky knew what this would look like because it was what we were preparing for. When a surge came on, I closed my eyes and took long slow breaths. I had practiced this breathing and each surge was usually only one or two slow surge breaths. I tried to time them so I could stop inhaling at the peak and start exhaling the surge out but I wasn’t excellent at this timing in the beginning. The process wasn’t dramatic and when it was over, I would pick up the conversation wherever it was before the surge.

Once we were home, things began to change. I thought that I could slow down the frequency of my surges by resting a little. This was not the case and its funny that I thought I would do this. Ricky was timing them and they were about 30 seconds long every 4-5 minutes. Since we knew that we were not to call until we were 4-1-1 (four minutes apart and one minute long for one hour), I thought we were still really early. I sent Ricky to get a haircut and while he was gone, I finally had my “bloody show.” The thing is that even though I had been waiting for it, I wasn’t prepared for it. It was definitely a show and shocked me a little. I had been told many things about what would happen when I was in labor and what to expect. But what I did not know was that I would bleed from that moment on until our son was born.

[It became something I brought up every time Ricky was talking to Allie, Lorie or Colleen. I repeatedly asked him if he told them I was bleeding and I wanted to know what they said each time. I was convinced that he did not realize the extent of blood and therefore was not conveying it properly. This was the first and last doubt I had about Ricky throughout the rest of this night.]

As I found out, it is normal to bleed and in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. When Ricky returned I decided to lie down and he went to cut the grass (yes he was on a mission). I knew my surges were close and I needed to rest, this was when I began to wonder why I had not napped earlier in the day when I had longer in between. It was around now that I began losing conceptual time. I remember that I called Ricky to come in just because I wanted him to be near me. He used our labor app to time the surges and they were pretty close together. (This app is great except in our case he was staring at a timer that said the word ‘contraction’ on it and we use the word ‘surge.’ So every time he would say the word contraction, I would say, “I don’t have contractions, I have surges.” It seems silly but it was important to me to be able to keep this clear. I was prepared for surges, I had not visited the possibility of contractions and I sure wasn’t about to now! The loving and sympathetic way in which he would look at me each time he realized he said contraction made me see how intense this all was for him and repeatedly reminded me how in love with him I am.) This was around when he decided that I better give him Allie and Lorie’s numbers because he was calling.

I know Ricky continued to get the house ready while I retreated into myself to work with our baby on the business of being born. I didn’t think about much, it was an all-encompassing endeavor and I wanted to preserve my energy, as somewhere inside me I knew this was the easy part. When Ricky was done making his phone calls and getting the house ready, he came and lay with me. I am not sure how long we laid and rested but I know he got up around midnight (the last time I looked at the clock) to tell everyone that it was time to head our way. At this point, the surges were getting much stronger and lasting longer. Each surge felt like a wave of pressure that literally increased up my abdomen and decreased down. I opened myself to the surges through my breath and was awed at the amount of energy that was passing through my body. I believe it was around this time that Ricky began to do hip presses on me through each surge to help open my pelvis and relieve pressure and they felt amazing. Those hip presses were so helpful that they became a routine part of my surges for the better part of labor (one must understand what this looks like to appreciate the energy it would take to do this for hours).

Soon people began to arrive and I remember my mom passing through the room, Allie, and Lorie arriving. I am not sure of the order and I know at some point Grandmom, Christa and Colleen arrived. Allie, Christa and Colleen were our midwives and Lorie, our Doula; together they made up our birth team. It is funny how things work out and how integral a role people can play in your lives. Lorie is the person I knew I needed with me, aside from Ricky, at our birth-and I was right. Whether it was her rubbing my back or telling me how great I was doing, she brought both Ricky and I peace. She is warm and loving and one of those people you just gravitate to. I remember that when I was first checked to see how far along I was and Colleen said I was 7, Lorie looked so proud that in my head I was like, “wow I am 7cm and I am awesome!” I realize now that being that open was a good sign but it didn’t mean I was going to push our baby out within an hour. Yes, I thought this. I waited to get in the tub because somewhere in my head I thought I would get in the tub and our baby would just come out, I wanted to be ready. As I stepped into the tub, I stepped completely out of linear time. All I have from that point on is moments, beautiful challenging moments. The tub felt amazing and as Ricky stepped in, we began to flow. He helped me through my surges by pressing on my hips. Lorie and Allie sat on the side of the tub encouraging me and keeping track of the baby’s heart between surges. Bodhi was there the whole time watching, waiting, and being one of the most important members of my birthing team. He had been the first to realize I was pregnant and was determined to be there for the entire journey.

There were two moments during my labor that I felt pain. The first was in the tub when I realized that the baby was not here yet and it was because I was nervous about how to get him here. I held this fear through a surge and it was the first time pressure felt more like pain. I verbalized this fear and I immediately saw three loving faces (Allie, Lorie and Colleen-Ricky was behind me) ready to help me through. I became immediately aware that all attention was on me and when I mentioned this, everyone looked away quickly. This scene was enough to ease everything that I was feeling. It was ok to be unsure and I was right on track, fear dissipated and thus pain did as well. At some point in the tub my waters released, all I felt was a little pop. When I decided to get out of the tub is when I remember the noise beginning in my throat during the surges. It was awkward at first but it was how I was able to dispel the increasing energy in my body. My second moment of pain came when I was attempting to go pee unsuccessfully between surges. For whatever reason my inability to pee reminded me that I was born via c-section. My mother is so strong and good at self-hypnosis that she can go to the dentist without Novocain. With these thoughts floating in my head as I stood in the bathroom, I couldn’t relax into my next surge and it was like I was watching myself go against my own body. I fought my way through that entire surge and once it was over, I let it go. I had to, for my baby’s sake and mine. I reminded myself that this was my journey and even though I was making these guttural noises that I didn’t expect, I was going to do this my way. In all honesty, I thought the noises that I was making meant I was failing; I guess in my head I assumed I would be quiet through the entire birth. As we started going through positions while I was pushing, things were happening around me but I was with our baby. It was like I was moving back and forth between two worlds; both worlds were on the move to merge as one and I was the go between. I remember Colleen demonstrating the right sound to make and I would repeat it. I was so grateful for this because it really helped me focus. Ricky and Lorie were right there next to my head and I felt safe. At one point I was on all fours pushing and during the surge I could hear that Allie was talking but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I became worried that I was missing important information that I needed to avoid this baby coming out of my rear because that is what it felt like he was doing. I blurted out that I couldn’t hear her and I think that Lorie and Ricky began repeating what she was saying but I can’t be sure. All I know is that I must not have missed too much because he did not actually come out of my bum.

There is no explanation for what it feels like to birth a child. I can tell you that it was so intense that it awed me every step through. It is this part that makes me grateful that my body was able to work at its own pace and I had such a beautiful and loving environment. Whether it was Colleen and Allie lightening the mood with their playful bantering back and forth or everyone assuring me that the baby would indeed come out and definitely would not come out my butt (yes this was a question I repeated), I had support and I needed it. I gave birth squatting against the edge of the bed with my arms being supported by Ricky’s legs and his hands in mine. At one point, as he was emerging I was being offered to reach down and touch our son but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could not let go of Ricky or stop what I was doing or I felt would lose myself in that moment. I had to wait so Ricky and I could meet Jynsen together. That moment where I leaned back on Ricky with our son on my chest is a defining moment that I will always have in my heart. Our perfect little man, JR, was born at 9:25am on May 24, 2012.

A little side note that is important for me to share:

While initially Miriam being out of town as I started labor made me a little panicky, I know Colleen was meant to be the midwife at our birth. She was there throughout my pregnancy with her contagious laugh telling me how perfect our baby was and she kept us laughing throughout his arrival. Allie was also meant to be there but we weren’t sure why at first, considering she hadn’t been at a majority of our appointments. We just knew from the time we met her that we wanted her there. While Colleen was the overseeing expert at our birth, Allie, as a student midwife, was going on this journey with us. She was in it with us and literally worked with me to receive JR into this world. Christa was our wildcard-we had never met until I was in labor. Normally for me this would not have worked, it takes me awhile to be ok with that kind of change in plan normally. But she fit right in and I so clearly remember her voice encouraging me while JR was crowning and we were about to all meet him. I could hear her saying, “Yes Jessie, one more just like that,” and the way she emphasized my name gave me strength.

I know this is a story about my birthing and me but that is precisely why it is important for me to talk about these amazing people. They are a huge part of my story and I will forever feel a bond with them for the roles they played in one of the biggest days of my life. I love these people; they facilitated my peaceful and loving birthing experience and Ricky and I will always have this experience to cherish.

Ricky’s role as my birthing companion cannot be understated as he went through this with me. He was right there for me to lean on, literally, and I did. People say that an experience like this can bring you closer with your spouse than ever before, they are right. I know that I was the one physically birthing our baby but he was so tied in that I didn’t have to wonder for one second where he was: he was right there. He rubbed my back, he encouraged me with his words, he loved me and he literally held me up while our son emerged.

Smokey was watching over my surges

We were both doing surge breathing

Crowning

Here we go....

Our Lion King moment <3