A Pain in the Boob

I am repeatedly saddened at how many people I speak with who tell me they tried breastfeeding but it just didn't work out for them. I understand it, but I hate to hear it. Before I gave birth, I was told that the most important factors in succeeding with nursing are having support and self determination and I agree. While breastfeeding is the most natural and healthy thing you can do for yourself and your baby, it does not exactly come naturally and there are hurdles that can be very challenging with or without loving support. There have been moments where, were I not so determined, I could have felt like I just wasn't good at breastfeeding. This past week is a great example because having a blocked milk duct has definitely been a test in dedication.

I am very lucky to have a husband, mother, friends, midwives and a doula who support me in nursing. Even with this foundation, I have also seen two lactation consultants for help. I believe you can NEVER have too much of the right kind of support. I feel for people who have no one to support their decision to nurse and it infuriates me that someone could be made to feel weird or guilty for wanting to do what is best for their infant. Let me just say that the previous statement is not simply my opinion: breastfeeding, when physically possible, IS what is best for an infant-FACT. I can see how negativity and guilt can greatly effect a new mom as I have also had some unsolicited "help" which was not helpful at all, in fact it was discouraging. So, I believe it is important to follow your gut and have people you trust to ask questions to. I have not yet been to a La Leche League meeting but I plan to because I hear they are a great support system for nursing mothers.

What my newest breastfeeding 'adventure' has taught me:

A blocked/plugged milk duct is when there is an obstruction blocking your milk from flowing. It can either be superficial (on the nipple) or down in the duct. I don't care where it is, it is not pleasant. The symptoms usually include a hardened lump in the breast that may be hot or swollen and feel bruised.  Personally, it felt like there had been an all-out mystery assault on my left breast and I was suffering the consequences. They say it comes on gradually but I did not notice it until it was really there. I am mentioning this just in case someone reading this could be nervous that the symptoms they are reading about on whatever website they googled don't exactly match their own-everyone is different. My biggest worry when my breast began to really hurt was 1) that it was mastitis and 2) it would never go away. Neither of these fears came to pass but they haunted me nonetheless. I learned from our midwife that mastitis is HORRIBLE and you know if you have that because you feel incredibly sick; like death. I never felt sick just like I had a lot of pain in my breast. I am not exactly sure what caused my blocked duct because there is a laundry list of reasons it can happen. I did have a blocked pore which looked like a small white spot on my nipple and it hurt -especially after I tried to open it by poking it with an acupuncture needle (I don't recommend this, regardless of TCM training it just isn't fun). There is a good chance I got this bleb from an improper latch. As I have discussed, buddha baby is mildly tongue-tied and we don't have the best latch. The majority of pain was within the breast and it hurt whenever I put ANY pressure on it including holding buddha baby on that side or trying to sleep on my stomach (which can also cause a plug).

Resolving the problem:

OK, so I had a block, if you currently have one I am sure all you care about is how to get rid of it. I was very diligent in performing all the tasks to rid myself of this wretched thing. Plus, I was motivated by knowing that a blocked duct left untreated can turn into mastitis and that is a game I have no interest in playing. I was told by our midwife to put a Castor oil pack on it with as hot of heat as I could stand- I did this...a lot. That part actually felt good as well as taking hot showers. I massaged my breast, which hurt like hell but I did it before I nursed, after I nursed and in the shower. Speaking of nursing, I nursed and nursed and nursed. I nursed on the painful breast almost every time he was hungry even if it was only a little and this pain made massage feel like a cake-walk. I didn't neglect my other boob but I really wanted this blockage out. I also fed in many different positions, including one where I leaned over him as he lay on the bed. It was a little awkward but I read that the gravity really helps bring out the plug. Something, or everything, worked and I am no longer in pain. I did not see the plug come out but I knew it was gone when I started filling with milk and didn't want to cry when there was a little pressure on my chest. I was expecting to feel it come out and have some big release or ahhh moment. I suppose I didn't feel it plug and thus I did not feel it release.

I just want to take a moment and say that if you are pregnant and planning to breastfeed, please don't be scared by these things. The point here isn't that nursing is hard or unbearable, the point is that at times it takes perseverance. There are challenges that you will face and sometimes you will need support. People will tell you the downsides of breastfeeding even though the upside is the most precious gift you can give to your baby- personalized liquid gold made just for his or her perfect little body. Yes, you are the only one who can feed the baby, unless you pump and bottle-feed which I have not yet been able to bring myself to do. Also, you tend to wake up more often than with formula baby and sometimes your body goes through things like blocked milk ducts or cracked nipples. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!! There is no such thing as formula that is even close to breastmilk-- not even close-- and that is what your baby is designed to live on. Breastmilk is a perfect food. It is a baby's instinct to BF and that bond you create is beyond words....

Birthing Story

My Birthing Day

[First posted on June 7th...It has taken me two weeks but here it is, our birthing story. I promised myself that I would share my story with anyone who wanted to hear that birthing can be an amazing journey. I promised that I would be open about my experience so that others could know that all of our stories matter and that women giving birth are important however they choose to birth. I am proud of my family and myself because we were all in it together and we accomplished what we set out to do... ]

When I got out of bed Wednesday morning I knew something was different. The obvious being that I started having surges around 2am, but since they were a good distance apart, I was able to comfortably go on sleeping until we got up for Ricky to go to work. I told him what I was feeling but not to worry since everyone said a first time mother could have surges for a couple days before active labor begins. Besides, I hadn’t even had my “show” yet. I decided to take the car for the day so I could run errands and get some things we were going to need for our birth and my comfort. When I took Ricky to work I began to casually note what time each surge would happen just so I could see if they were consistent. Around 10am they were mostly 10 minutes apart, but sometimes they were 12-15. I don’t know how long they were because I was driving and just using the clock in the car. I continued to run errands throughout the day and I let my mother know what was going on just so she was in the loop because she was going to be at our house during the birth. By the time I went to pick up Ricky, (around 330pm) my surges were much closer together. It takes me 15 to 20 minutes to get to his work and I had about 5 surges on the way. He looked at me and knew; still I refused to accept how close we were.

Here is where I was in my head: I was not about to be that pregnant girl who got everyone all hyped up and then wasn’t ready. Also, I knew that Miriam was out of town, Colleen was already at a birth and Lorie had Hypnobirthing class on Wednesdays- this was not ideal timing. It sounds funny to think about it now but that is where my head was. Miriam, Colleen, Allie and Lorie had all told me that early labor is a time to act normal and get rest (had I realized I was on my way to having a baby I probably would’ve napped but who knows). When I say I refused to be “that girl” it is because I sometimes freeze when there is a lot of attention focused on me. Besides, if I was on my way to having our son, I did not want to disturb the process because I was feeling the expectations of everyone who was now waiting on my next move so they could plan their night. On the other hand, this is one of the beautiful things about having a birth team, there is a group of loving support there when you are ready and I did not want to waste everyone’s time.

On the way home, Ricky started to have the look of a man on a mission. He was silently going over everything he needed to do and I know this because he was chewing on the inside of his cheek nonstop and that is what he does when he is focused and/or stressed. Also, he would spit out sentences about cutting the grass, laundry and straightening the back room. I know that he also wanted to time my surges because they were fairly close together. While others would probably not have realized that I was in labor and having surges, Ricky knew what this would look like because it was what we were preparing for. When a surge came on, I closed my eyes and took long slow breaths. I had practiced this breathing and each surge was usually only one or two slow surge breaths. I tried to time them so I could stop inhaling at the peak and start exhaling the surge out but I wasn’t excellent at this timing in the beginning. The process wasn’t dramatic and when it was over, I would pick up the conversation wherever it was before the surge.

Once we were home, things began to change. I thought that I could slow down the frequency of my surges by resting a little. This was not the case and its funny that I thought I would do this. Ricky was timing them and they were about 30 seconds long every 4-5 minutes. Since we knew that we were not to call until we were 4-1-1 (four minutes apart and one minute long for one hour), I thought we were still really early. I sent Ricky to get a haircut and while he was gone, I finally had my “bloody show.” The thing is that even though I had been waiting for it, I wasn’t prepared for it. It was definitely a show and shocked me a little. I had been told many things about what would happen when I was in labor and what to expect. But what I did not know was that I would bleed from that moment on until our son was born.

[It became something I brought up every time Ricky was talking to Allie, Lorie or Colleen. I repeatedly asked him if he told them I was bleeding and I wanted to know what they said each time. I was convinced that he did not realize the extent of blood and therefore was not conveying it properly. This was the first and last doubt I had about Ricky throughout the rest of this night.]

As I found out, it is normal to bleed and in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. When Ricky returned I decided to lie down and he went to cut the grass (yes he was on a mission). I knew my surges were close and I needed to rest, this was when I began to wonder why I had not napped earlier in the day when I had longer in between. It was around now that I began losing conceptual time. I remember that I called Ricky to come in just because I wanted him to be near me. He used our labor app to time the surges and they were pretty close together. (This app is great except in our case he was staring at a timer that said the word ‘contraction’ on it and we use the word ‘surge.’ So every time he would say the word contraction, I would say, “I don’t have contractions, I have surges.” It seems silly but it was important to me to be able to keep this clear. I was prepared for surges, I had not visited the possibility of contractions and I sure wasn’t about to now! The loving and sympathetic way in which he would look at me each time he realized he said contraction made me see how intense this all was for him and repeatedly reminded me how in love with him I am.) This was around when he decided that I better give him Allie and Lorie’s numbers because he was calling.

I know Ricky continued to get the house ready while I retreated into myself to work with our baby on the business of being born. I didn’t think about much, it was an all-encompassing endeavor and I wanted to preserve my energy, as somewhere inside me I knew this was the easy part. When Ricky was done making his phone calls and getting the house ready, he came and lay with me. I am not sure how long we laid and rested but I know he got up around midnight (the last time I looked at the clock) to tell everyone that it was time to head our way. At this point, the surges were getting much stronger and lasting longer. Each surge felt like a wave of pressure that literally increased up my abdomen and decreased down. I opened myself to the surges through my breath and was awed at the amount of energy that was passing through my body. I believe it was around this time that Ricky began to do hip presses on me through each surge to help open my pelvis and relieve pressure and they felt amazing. Those hip presses were so helpful that they became a routine part of my surges for the better part of labor (one must understand what this looks like to appreciate the energy it would take to do this for hours).

Soon people began to arrive and I remember my mom passing through the room, Allie, and Lorie arriving. I am not sure of the order and I know at some point Grandmom, Christa and Colleen arrived. Allie, Christa and Colleen were our midwives and Lorie, our Doula; together they made up our birth team. It is funny how things work out and how integral a role people can play in your lives. Lorie is the person I knew I needed with me, aside from Ricky, at our birth-and I was right. Whether it was her rubbing my back or telling me how great I was doing, she brought both Ricky and I peace. She is warm and loving and one of those people you just gravitate to. I remember that when I was first checked to see how far along I was and Colleen said I was 7, Lorie looked so proud that in my head I was like, “wow I am 7cm and I am awesome!” I realize now that being that open was a good sign but it didn’t mean I was going to push our baby out within an hour. Yes, I thought this. I waited to get in the tub because somewhere in my head I thought I would get in the tub and our baby would just come out, I wanted to be ready. As I stepped into the tub, I stepped completely out of linear time. All I have from that point on is moments, beautiful challenging moments. The tub felt amazing and as Ricky stepped in, we began to flow. He helped me through my surges by pressing on my hips. Lorie and Allie sat on the side of the tub encouraging me and keeping track of the baby’s heart between surges. Bodhi was there the whole time watching, waiting, and being one of the most important members of my birthing team. He had been the first to realize I was pregnant and was determined to be there for the entire journey.

There were two moments during my labor that I felt pain. The first was in the tub when I realized that the baby was not here yet and it was because I was nervous about how to get him here. I held this fear through a surge and it was the first time pressure felt more like pain. I verbalized this fear and I immediately saw three loving faces (Allie, Lorie and Colleen-Ricky was behind me) ready to help me through. I became immediately aware that all attention was on me and when I mentioned this, everyone looked away quickly. This scene was enough to ease everything that I was feeling. It was ok to be unsure and I was right on track, fear dissipated and thus pain did as well. At some point in the tub my waters released, all I felt was a little pop. When I decided to get out of the tub is when I remember the noise beginning in my throat during the surges. It was awkward at first but it was how I was able to dispel the increasing energy in my body. My second moment of pain came when I was attempting to go pee unsuccessfully between surges. For whatever reason my inability to pee reminded me that I was born via c-section. My mother is so strong and good at self-hypnosis that she can go to the dentist without Novocain. With these thoughts floating in my head as I stood in the bathroom, I couldn’t relax into my next surge and it was like I was watching myself go against my own body. I fought my way through that entire surge and once it was over, I let it go. I had to, for my baby’s sake and mine. I reminded myself that this was my journey and even though I was making these guttural noises that I didn’t expect, I was going to do this my way. In all honesty, I thought the noises that I was making meant I was failing; I guess in my head I assumed I would be quiet through the entire birth. As we started going through positions while I was pushing, things were happening around me but I was with our baby. It was like I was moving back and forth between two worlds; both worlds were on the move to merge as one and I was the go between. I remember Colleen demonstrating the right sound to make and I would repeat it. I was so grateful for this because it really helped me focus. Ricky and Lorie were right there next to my head and I felt safe. At one point I was on all fours pushing and during the surge I could hear that Allie was talking but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I became worried that I was missing important information that I needed to avoid this baby coming out of my rear because that is what it felt like he was doing. I blurted out that I couldn’t hear her and I think that Lorie and Ricky began repeating what she was saying but I can’t be sure. All I know is that I must not have missed too much because he did not actually come out of my bum.

There is no explanation for what it feels like to birth a child. I can tell you that it was so intense that it awed me every step through. It is this part that makes me grateful that my body was able to work at its own pace and I had such a beautiful and loving environment. Whether it was Colleen and Allie lightening the mood with their playful bantering back and forth or everyone assuring me that the baby would indeed come out and definitely would not come out my butt (yes this was a question I repeated), I had support and I needed it. I gave birth squatting against the edge of the bed with my arms being supported by Ricky’s legs and his hands in mine. At one point, as he was emerging I was being offered to reach down and touch our son but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could not let go of Ricky or stop what I was doing or I felt would lose myself in that moment. I had to wait so Ricky and I could meet Jynsen together. That moment where I leaned back on Ricky with our son on my chest is a defining moment that I will always have in my heart. Our perfect little man, JR, was born at 9:25am on May 24, 2012.

A little side note that is important for me to share:

While initially Miriam being out of town as I started labor made me a little panicky, I know Colleen was meant to be the midwife at our birth. She was there throughout my pregnancy with her contagious laugh telling me how perfect our baby was and she kept us laughing throughout his arrival. Allie was also meant to be there but we weren’t sure why at first, considering she hadn’t been at a majority of our appointments. We just knew from the time we met her that we wanted her there. While Colleen was the overseeing expert at our birth, Allie, as a student midwife, was going on this journey with us. She was in it with us and literally worked with me to receive JR into this world. Christa was our wildcard-we had never met until I was in labor. Normally for me this would not have worked, it takes me awhile to be ok with that kind of change in plan normally. But she fit right in and I so clearly remember her voice encouraging me while JR was crowning and we were about to all meet him. I could hear her saying, “Yes Jessie, one more just like that,” and the way she emphasized my name gave me strength.

I know this is a story about my birthing and me but that is precisely why it is important for me to talk about these amazing people. They are a huge part of my story and I will forever feel a bond with them for the roles they played in one of the biggest days of my life. I love these people; they facilitated my peaceful and loving birthing experience and Ricky and I will always have this experience to cherish.

Ricky’s role as my birthing companion cannot be understated as he went through this with me. He was right there for me to lean on, literally, and I did. People say that an experience like this can bring you closer with your spouse than ever before, they are right. I know that I was the one physically birthing our baby but he was so tied in that I didn’t have to wonder for one second where he was: he was right there. He rubbed my back, he encouraged me with his words, he loved me and he literally held me up while our son emerged.

Smokey was watching over my surges

We were both doing surge breathing

Crowning

Here we go....

Our Lion King moment <3 

My Pregnancy

I wrote this about my pregnancy and where I was at before I gave birth. I wanted to remember how I felt and essentially, who I was in those moments. It often takes me days to go over things and proof them and this story ends just as I left it right before I went into labor….

May 21, 2012

My birthing day is coming rapidly so I figure it is the perfect time to write. I know that once our son is born, I will be different, in a slight, yet magnificent way and maybe I won’t remember what it felt like to be… the now me. The now me is a blank slate about my birthing experience, where the future me will be a full story. That is the difference I mean- the person I am now has not experienced birth, aside from when I was born on my mother’s birthing day. Which is the funny thing about a birth day, we are celebrating a day that shaped our lives and yet we rarely remember that it shaped our mother’s too.

Briefly, I must rant so that I may come full circle;) I sit here finding myself shocked that at this stage in my pregnancy there are still those who wish to impose their unsolicited and unprovoked fear mechanisms onto my family. The other night, someone decided that it would be appropriate to sit at the bar while Ricky was working and relay to him that she “heard about what we are doing and wants to have a chat with me.” (The snarky know-it-all tone could not possibly be appropriately relayed, so just assume it is in the most annoyingly superior and drunk tone). As Ricky defends us, and me, there proceeds to be a lot of eye rolling and other women joining in to display their expertise on the horror of birth and thus my stupidity. Ricky handled himself as best as he could when going up against cowardly attackers (to attack a man right before his wife is about to give birth, knowing that he cannot defend an experience he will never have, is cowardly and doing so while I am not present is shameful). He also proceeds to point out, that talking to me may not go well but she can feel free to after I have given birth. I may not have experience, but knowing that I would never come at someone from such an ultimately negative place tells me all I need to know about our lack of similarities in reality.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that the majority of people feel this way. I understand their opinion and truly respect that they have THEIR experience to show for it, but I will say this-THEY ARE NOT ME and their reality is not mine. The point is, that no matter how my birthing experience goes, it will be Ricky’s, our baby’s and mine. Even if it does not go how I envision it, I am still not going in filled with horror. What I don’t get is why anyone would want to put his or her horror on us. To save us?? From what? How could anyone who has ever met me, even once, not assume that I have become as informed as any one person could be about birth since the second I was positive I was pregnant? I get being helpful and the want to inform, but just for the record, putting a smirk on your face and saying something like “Oh you’ll see,” isn’t helpful, it’s shitty.

Those same people that think I am so naïve forget the most important thing- while I agree that I am naïve, I believe my naivety is my gift.

So, where am I and how did I get from the “typical” and “normal” birth plan to here? I cannot imagine knowing what birth really feels like, but for the rest of it I have put in the work, educated myself and spent the last months training for this. Yes, training. Could I expect to run a marathon without training? Of course not, so how can I expect to have the calm birth that I want without spending time everyday preparing; through my breathing and relaxation exercises, as well as keeping my body healthy. This isn’t something I just knew to do. I sought out the best birthing team for myself and for my growing family. Our midwives and doula kick ass! They are capable, trustworthy and (here’s the kicker) SUPPORTIVE. Not only am I encouraged to ask whatever questions I have, they are really willing to take time to answer all of them. Seriously, they just freaking rock.

I feel lucky for the path that led me here because it started with fear and that fear led me to seek peace. In the beginning, I did what pregnant women do: I went to the OB I got all the tests and sonograms, I sat in a backless gown and waited… and waited. Then, I met with a doctor who rushed around and left. I did this a few times and I was able to get questions answered, reluctantly, but it was enough to know that this was not going in a good direction for me. When I was barely 18 weeks pregnant and I started hearing words like induction, epidural, and what the doctor would “let” me do in response to my questions, I freaked. I already cried every time I had a doctor’s appointment, and I literally did not want to physically give birth. I was terrified! I felt like I had lost a race that I hadn’t even started. I had to do something, this felt wrong in every way that it could and I hate to fail at anything. I began searching and I found my way to Amazing Births and Beyond. I met with Lorie (our now doula) and everything changed! No seriously, its like a birthing parade broke out inside of me with rainbows and sunshine and all that jazz. I sat down and spoke with this amazing woman and for the first time, I felt like I could do this. I felt like I really could give birth! No, I am not an idiot; I know that in one way or another, our baby would eventually physically come out. It was the spiritual, emotional, and mental part that I had been worried about. I am not saying that I went home and everything has been confidence and roses since. What I am saying is that Lorie gave me my first glimpse of what I wanted, a beautiful and empowering birth, and showed me how I could get there. For this, I will be forever grateful.

Since then, I have concentrated on increasing that confidence little by little until it just stopped leaving. Everything from there is a bit of a whirlwind: we met with Miriam first and made sure that we could have her as our midwife and learned what it means to have a midwife; we took a 5 week Hypnobirthing course and did all our homework; we met and bonded with our other midwives Colleen and Allison; and we have grown (I have done most of the growing) with our birth team throughout this journey.

Importantly, we have taken every step to enjoy this process throughout a hectic move and outside imposed drama. While my hormones have gotten the best of me from time to time, I must say that pregnancy is an amusing time. Everything has become a bit funny. I think it has to in order to appreciate the miracle while being a bit roly-poly. Sometimes my transition from laughing to crying is a little abrupt which, in turn, becomes funny again but it is a real laughter in a way that is new and beautiful. Ricky and I laugh with each other and at each other (although he has to be a bit more careful when laughing at me lol). In preparing for the baby and the many things he will need, Ricky and I have learned the art of garage sale-ing and really have a lot of fun doing it. I have been able to embrace pregnancy, in part because I am lucky and I am blessed. I have an amazing husband who has taken interest in this process and decided to dive in head first. He loves me and knows that I am not one to settle if things don’t feel right. I need solutions and he helped me find them. He has helped me make decisions that will shape ours and our baby’s life, all while learning that pregnant life is not exactly predictable. I have a magnificent mother who has really embraced and supported my journey and continues to be here for me daily. The other aspect that has shaped this pregnancy has been CHOICE. We have CHOSEN to make the effort to learn about pregnancy, throughout history and the world, and then decided the best course of action for us. I refuse to be belittled because I put so much effort into this. We are talking about a human life and experiencing the most majestic gift one can be given- so excuse me if I discount the unwanted opinion of someone who believes its ok to spend weeks researching a new tv or camera, but thinks its silly to learn about circumcision or cord clamping. The point is, I am not attacking anyone else’s decisions and I do not attempt to share my choices, unless asked, or unless its on Facebook but that’s a whole different story...

To be completely honest, I respect all women and all birth so much that the very process leaves me in awe. No matter what your birth experience was, or what circumstances you had, you are a champ! Just because I believe in what I am doing does not mean that I do not believe in what you have done or will do. I truly believe that our reality is our choice and I just ask that the next time you scoff at someone’s choice, consider how qualified you are (or are NOT) to pass that judgment. I know that once people make up their mind, it does not matter what I say. What if… what if my birth is amazing, perfect, and painless? (“OMG did she just say PAINLESS!? How dare she suggest something so preposterous!!”) Oh yea, that is totally what most of you will think and oh yea I said it. So what! You want my goal? There it is and remember, I am not saying feeling-less, just painless. What if it is- most people wouldn’t believe me anyway- they could see it with their own eyes and still refuse to believe it. But that’s not my concern and never will be. Those who know me know that I will tell you truthfully, one way or another, and while I hate to fail, I am ok with admitting if I was wrong. Our baby is coming into this world and we are going into this journey together…